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A work of satirical genius graced the internet today. Called "Amazon Dating," this soft-mockery of consumerist relationships under Tinder uses Amazon's trademark website navigation to list ostensibly real-life singles, most available for trifle amounts, some even with one-hour delivery.
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"Hot singles near you," via (not) Amazon
Upon surveying the "hot singles" dressed in street- and professional-wear, would-be consumers will find that the devil of online dating is, as always, in the details.
come play with us at https://t.co/ticxR7j7COpic.twitter.com/6V8eFY7s8S— ani acopian (@aniacopian) February 4, 2020
Click the short video above, and a quick tour of the website reveals that every person is not quite as malleable as IKEA furniture. The best-seller, "Amy," is 29, features "words of affirmation," and is set at a price of $59.99. Assuming Amy's gender, she is "trained as a barista," "famous on TikTok™," and "has a child." But there's a warning for would-be partners (clientele?): she won't text back.
Of course, it's natural to doubt the reality of these offers.
This is an art project
While some reviews suggest that these are fascimiles of human beings—robots—others complain about unfortunate side-effects that portend more humanity than what most would want from an Amazon order.
Customer reviews section is the best part. Just like the real Amazon.
"I got pregnant so 0/10 would buy again"— Kirill Zakharov (@kirillz) February 4, 2020
But rest assured, the about page clearly credits Ani Acopian, Suzy Shinn, Morgan Gruer, and "Thinko;" all artists. The FAQ page answers typical queries: this is not for real. No, you can't actually buy people, which means this site doesn't actually work. Their stated reason for doing this is "because [they] like to take the joke too far."
If you doubt them, click on their legal section, and you'll download a seemingly-legit "NON-GHOSTING AGREEMENT," with a legal definition of ghosting, exclusions, obligations, and a space for your signature.
But instead of laughing it off, it's perhaps interesting to imagine what it would mean if it were real. This is satire, after all. In "Amazon Dating's" diverse assortment of ready-made singles—each optimized to full-dreamboat appeal—which would you rather be: the consumer, or the consumed?